
I used to believe that for every good thing that happened to me, something bad had to happen as well to even it out, like a universal balancing system. Every time something good was going to happen, I always thought to myself, “What will the payback be?” In my years of experience working with and talking to women, I have learned that lots of women live with this fear, often for a long time.
Listen in as I talk about why we have this fear, acknowledge that you’re not crazy for having it, and how to shift out of this kind of thinking so you can live your life with freedom instead of fear.
And read the article below.
In this episode I discuss:
- How fear keeps you from taking risks – and how this protects and hinders us
- How negativity bias is a symptom of adrenal overload
- The role of the amygdala in fear
- How your brain remembers threats
- How negative emotions get attached to positive emotions
- What happens when we go into fight or flight mode
- What intuition really is
- How to get out of this fear
- The power of neuroplasticity
- The importance of being aware of your feelings
- How to use cognitive disruption to shift from fear to freedom
- Why I love taking deep breaths
- The value of journaling
- How to practice forgiveness
Links and Resources
- Get my new book The Adrenal Thyroid Revolution
- Read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
When Good Things Happen, Why Do We Brace for the Bad?
For years, I carried a weight that I couldn’t quite name—a quiet yet consuming belief that if something truly wonderful happened, the universe would counterbalance it with something devastating.
Every time something good was going to happen – a book contract, a coveted teaching offer, or even something fun like getting away with a girlfriend, I always thought to myself, “What will the payback be?”
And when I became a mom, that fear grew stronger. Suddenly, the stakes felt impossibly high. If I landed a book deal, I’d brace myself for bad news about one of my kids. If I celebrated a win, I’d whisper to myself, Don’t get too comfortable.
In my years of experience working with and talking to women, I have learned that lots of women live with this fear, often for a long time. Maybe you’ve felt it too. That persistent voice warning you not to enjoy life’s gifts too much. If so, I want you to know: you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.
This wasn’t just a passing thought. It was a deeply ingrained pattern, one that shadowed every moment of joy with a twinge of dread. And read the article below…
Why This Fear Feels So Real
This pattern isn’t a flaw in your thinking; it’s rooted in the brilliant yet complex design of your brain. Let me introduce you to the parts of your brain that play a starring role in this story.
The Amygdala: Your Brain’s Security System
At the heart of this anxiety is your amygdala—two almond-shaped clusters deep in your brain’s limbic system. The amygdala acts as your body’s internal security system, scanning your environment 24/7 for anything that might threaten your safety.
When the amygdala detects a potential threat, it sends an immediate alarm to your hypothalamus, which activates the HPA axis (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis). This triggers a flood of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, putting your body into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
Here’s the catch: the amygdala doesn’t just react to real, immediate threats. It’s heavily influenced by past experiences, especially those encoded during childhood. The amygdala doesn’t forget—it catalogs every frightening, destabilizing, or painful moment you’ve ever lived through. And when something even remotely similar happens—or when joy feels “too good to be true”—it kicks into overdrive.
The Hippocampus: Your Emotional Archivist
Working alongside the amygdala is the hippocampus, the part of your brain responsible for memory. While the amygdala reacts emotionally, the hippocampus stores the details: the sights, sounds, and feelings associated with past events. Together, these two create an internal library of emotional triggers.
For example, if a joyful event in your childhood—like a birthday party—was followed by a fight between your parents, your hippocampus might catalog joy as a precursor to chaos. Fast forward to adulthood, and the amygdala can sound the alarm every time you experience happiness, convinced that danger is just around the corner.
My Story: Where This Anxiety Came From
For me, the roots of this anxiety ran deep. My parents divorced when I was very young. Their relationship was marked by intense conflict—physical and verbal fights that crescendoed into a dramatic, movie-like final showdown when I was four years old.
After the divorce, my visits with my dad became a minefield of conflicting emotions. If I came home from spending time with him and admitted I’d had fun, my mom would grill me with questions, searching for signs that something had gone wrong. Over time, I learned to downplay the joy, painting my visits in a negative light just to avoid upsetting her.
This pattern extended into my teenage years. If I went out with friends and had a good time, I could sense my mom’s discomfort. To protect her feelings, I’d find ways to minimize my happiness. I wasn’t just withholding joy—I was teaching my brain that happiness came with a price.
Even holidays became fraught. A festive gathering could easily devolve into chaos due to family tensions. Over time, my brain began to associate joy with dread, wiring my amygdala and hippocampus to link good things with bad outcomes.
The Science Behind Trauma and Survival
The experiences I had—and those you may have had—aren’t just “emotional baggage.” They’re stored as neural patterns in the brain. This is part of our evolutionary design. Your brain is hardwired to prioritize survival over happiness. It learns to remember negative experiences because those memories can help you avoid future threats.
But here’s the problem: when this system gets stuck in overdrive, it becomes maladaptive. Instead of protecting you, it starts holding you back—keeping you in survival mode even when there’s no real danger.
The Role of the Prefrontal Cortex
The prefrontal cortex, located in the front of your brain, is responsible for reasoning, decision-making, and emotional regulation. Ideally, it acts as a counterbalance to the amygdala, reminding you that not every situation is a threat.
But when the amygdala is repeatedly triggered—by past trauma, chronic stress, or patterns like mine—it can override the prefrontal cortex. This is why fear and anxiety can feel so overwhelming and why it’s hard to “think your way out” of these feelings.
How Neuroplasticity Can Help You Heal
The most hopeful part of this story is that your brain isn’t static. Thanks to neuroplasticity, you can rewire those old, fear-based patterns and create new, healthier ones.
Here’s how it works: every time you choose a new response to an old trigger—like calming yourself instead of bracing for disaster—you’re creating new neural pathways. Over time, these pathways become stronger, while the old ones weaken.
It’s like walking through a dense forest. The old path (fear and dread) is well-worn and easy to follow. The new path (peace and trust) requires effort at first. But the more you walk it, the clearer and more accessible it becomes.
Practical Steps to Rewire Your Brain
1. Awareness and Acknowledgment
Start by noticing when fear arises. Instead of judging yourself, honor the fact that this fear once served a purpose. Say to yourself, “Thank you for trying to protect me, but I don’t need you anymore. I am safe now.”
2. Disrupt the Stress Response
Use tools like deep breathing to calm your nervous system. The “Quickie” exercise I shared earlier is a simple yet powerful way to shift from sympathetic nervous system overdrive (fight-or-flight mode) to parasympathetic activation (rest-and-digest mode).
3. Create a New Narrative
Challenge the belief that joy must be followed by pain. Reflect on moments in your life where good things happened without disaster following. Write them down to create a “library” of evidence that joy can stand alone.
4. Visualization and Gratitude
Imagine yourself experiencing happiness fully and freely. Practice gratitude daily to train your brain to focus on the good.
5. Lean Into Support
Working with a therapist or coach can help you unpack and reframe the deeper patterns driving your fear. Journaling can also be a powerful tool for processing and rewriting your story.
A New Path Forward
The fear that good things must be balanced by bad isn’t truth—it’s a story your brain learned to protect you. But the beauty of neuroplasticity is that you can write a new story.
Today, I celebrate my wins without fear. I let joy take up space in my life without waiting for the other shoe to drop. This didn’t happen overnight, but with time and intention, I rewired my brain to believe that I deserve good things—and so do you.
Let’s embrace the truth: the universe has your back.
To dive deeper into this topic, listen to my latest podcast episode, where I share more about how to rewire your brain, calm your nervous system, and step into a life of greater peace and possibility. Please share this with those you love who live with this worry – it's so much sweeter to trust in life – without fear of a payback!
Share Your Thoughts: Have you ever felt this way? Want to engage with me around my podcast episodes and articles? Make sure to follow me at @DrAvivaRomm. Leave a comment – I reply daily to as many as I can!