Permission to Pause & 10 Easy Ways to Do It


Updated June 6, 2018

One day, some time ago, I woke up in a grumpy, grumbly mood. This is super unusual for me as a bona fide morning person – and generally enthusiastic about greeting my day. But on that morning I just wanted to grab a book, stay in bed, and read. And not talk to anybody. And not cook for anybody. And not check off any to-do boxes. I’d been pushing hard for awhile with a lot of travel, teaching, and writing, and needed a day off.  I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t tired. But I felt like an over-hungry toddler on the verge of a tantrum! My knickers weren’t even on yet and they were already in a knot! 

But…but …but…[my inner boss was insisting]…you have work to do. There are emails to answer. Phone calls to make. Blogs to write. Magazine interviews to prepare for. You have editors counting on you. And you were planning to cook a really nice meal with Tracy today. So, I told myself , “Girl, put on a gratitude attitude and get your ass in gear!”

But I just wasn’t feeling it. I was on the edge of crispy.

So I started to listen in to my Inner Wise Woman and asked.  “Why AM I feeling this way? What AM I hungry for? Where is this coming from???” A lot of the same questions I ask my patients (hmmm…Doctor, Heal Thyself!).

And I realized that the answer was clear and simple: I needed to give myself PERMISSION TO PAUSE. We all need time to restore and reset – ideally on a regular basis – and especially when we’ve been pushing hard!

 

Natural Givers Need to Replenish

Women are especially bad at taking time for ourselves. Mothers are even worse. We are natural givers and tenders. And doctors aren’t too good at hitting the pause button either. We are trained to keep going in the face of no sleep, emotional exhaustion, and constant external demands. Women, moms, and health care providers tend to give at the expense of ourselves. We all lead super busy lives that leave little time for self-care.

Running on empty doesn’t serve us – or those we care for. It makes us less effective in our work, less productive, and less happy. Running on empty leads us to feel conflicted, victimized, angry, exhausted, irritable, or some combination thereof. We’ve all had that whiney feeling of “There’s no time for me!” And as women, we often chalk this up to a selfish thought, and push on.

But the evidence is really there that if you are happier and more relaxed, you are actually better for everyone and at everything you do.

So yesterday I asked myself these 5 questions:

  • If I took some time for myself, what would be the best thing that could happen?
  • The worst thing?
  • How much time do I need, realistically, and how often, to feel recharged?
  • How am I going to create this time?
  • And what would I like to do with the time?

I came up with ten simple things that I could easily fit into my lifestyle that would get me back to center and keep my cup running over rather than almost empty. Most require 30 minutes to an hour, though some could even be a ten-minute power refresher. I figure only good can come from taking better care of myself, and that committing to time to pause for at least ten minutes daily, and up to an hour, 4 times a week, is optimal for me.

 

My Permission to Pause Top 10 List

  1. Take a walk with nowhere to go (short or long depending on the day), alone or with a pal, but walk in silence. Gardening is great too, weather permitting.
  2. Write in my journal – I can do it in a special place at home or get away to the local coffee shop. Focus on things for which I am grateful, appreciate in myself, or dream about.
  3. Take a hot bath (add a glass of wine and a book for extra luxury!) or a long shower – make it feel like I’m at a spa…
  4. Exercise (or at least do 10 sun salutations, some squats, lunges, and push-ups if time is short).
  5. Get a massage once in awhile.
  6. Have a cup of tea and read a book – especially non-fiction or inspirational – for an hour without interrupting myself to do anything else.
  7. Listen to music – and dance wildly. Yes, break a sweat.
  8. Watch a favorite movie once a week without ever once opening up the computer to check email or other social media.
  9. Set a daily time for no electronics, social media, or work; consider meditation, visualization, making art, taking a nap, or laying in the grass and staring up at the sky – find creatures in the clouds.
  10. Prepare a special, wonderful meal each week and eat slowly, deliberately, with perfect attention to just the experience of the meal.

Here’s the thing, though. You have to value yourself and this time enough to make it NON-NEGOTIABLE TIME.

This means:

  • Getting clear about what “me” time means to you and explaining this to the people in your life
  • Staying committed  – not letting your inner gremlin talk you out of your time to yourself
  • Doing a daily inventory of whether you are taking care of yourself and if you are not, how you need to
  • Respecting yourself enough to take care of yourself
  • Taking enough time to listen to yourself so you know what you desire/need

Taking “me time” isn’t selfish – it is self-respecting and healthy. It is something we can teach our children, spouses, colleagues, employees, and patients to do. It is about celebrating and respecting ourselves.

To honor my need to hit the pause button and just replenish, I went on a long walk this morning without any guilt for not getting any work done. I was being a “human being,” not a “human doing.” My oldest daughter and my husband joined me. We talked only about the beauty around us and the amazing things we saw – like a porcupine and the beauty of a moss-covered stone wall we passed along the way.

I returned home refreshed, energized, peaceful, and happy.

I’m a busy beaver sort of girl with a tendency to stray into high performance, self-ignoring mode. I’ve been committed to listening to my need to replenish and what’s amazing is that when we make time for this, time seems to expand in general. I feel less pressured overall and work more happily, at a healthier pace, and get more, not less, done.

Do you need Permission to Pause? How can you fit in non-negotiable “self-nourishing time” in a few times over the next 2 weeks? What are you going to do with it? What are your obstacles and how can you overcome them?

Let’s share our stories in the comments section. I look forward to hearing from you!

Here’s to nourishing ourselves!

Love,

 

 

 

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Victoria

Hi Dr. Aviva, You really hit an important place in my mindset which is to be realistic in taking time for yourselves to "Smell the Roses" so to speak. I know social and work related networking on the computer and in person can really eat away at our available down time so it was a fantastic idea to just try to fit as many as possible of the tens to do for myself list in perweek w/ out preassure. It is a pleasure to learn with you as well. In peace, love and gratitude- Victoria Spencer Smith

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    Linda Wiebe

    Thank you for that!

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Stacey Rees

Such a timely post -- was talking to another mom of a toddler this afternoon and we were both talking about our longing for more time for ourselves. I can always find an excuse not to but I will join you in the 14 day challenge -- starting tonight! Thanks for the inspiration, I needed it at exactly this moment..

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Jen Harvey

This email blog could not have come at a better time. I woke up feeling the same way yesterday. Groggy...which is not normal for me. I usually wake up fresh and a good hour before the rest of my family of five to get stuff done or have me time...loving the silence of the sunrise. Definitely in on the 14 day challenge. Thanks for sharing your ten nourishing me time to dos...would love more tips. Green blessings, Jen

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Khadijah

This sounds like something I really need to do- I was just telling friends that I can't seem to get the hang of saying "no" to anyone. I'm willing to give it a try with this challenge, though. My obstacles: I homeschool seven children, work four hours a day (from home) and I live in a tiny house where it's difficult to find a place that isn't already inhabited by SOMEONE or other. I'm going to go grab my journal and jot down some ideas for overcoming these! Thanks, Aviva, you're an inspiration.

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Aoife Earls ND

Thank you thank you. On a path to rejuvenation myself for the EXACT internal struggle you have been experiencing! Thanks for the courage to share with others and grow together.

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Yakova

wow this article speaks to my heart! thanks for expressing what every woman must be sensing within!

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Ellen

I really need this challenge. I was suddenly divorced in 2010 and my ex said he no longer in live with me and never talked to me again. I had to sell my house for nothing and he cleaned me out when I was not home. I moved to a small place by the beach and Hurricane Irene hit. I was displaced and had to replace everything. Thinking it was freak weather, I stayed as being across from the water and listening to the waves put me to sleep is nice. Hurricane Sandy destroyed my home again and I had to move temporarily north of my home and job. Tonight I drove 3 hours to get home from work through the snow from a nor'easter. I work 3 jobs and am enrolled in the women's health program. Trying to rebuild my life. I also train in martial arts daily. Tonight, I just felt like crying. I am normally very grateful. I need a break though. I need this. Thank you!

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Kathryn

I needed this. Today I felt the same way; unlike you I did not recognize my need until part way through the afternoon. Then I look the rest of the day off - read, had a cup of tea, and then went out to dinner with my honey. :-) I feel much better.

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SYLVIA

Listen to soft inspiration music, clean historical romance books, reruns of good old fashion shows, such as The Big Valley, Little House on the Praire, etc. Very uplifting inspirational teaching. Drinking herbal teas and learning more how to increase your knowledge of self healthcare in a very natural way. These things are very refreshing, restorative and replenishing to me. Sylvia

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Diane

Aviva, this is so inline with the post I'm sending out tomorrow on my blog. If its alright with you I'd love to share this challenge with my readers. Btw - received my course material and am absolutely in love with it!! Super excited!

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Sujai Cobb

How very timely! I had a small melt down yesterday due to not caring for self. I spend all of my time teaching, caring for and nurturing others. I will print this list and I will take your suggestions starting immediately. I will love and care for myself as I do for others. Thank you for taking the time to remind us fellow light workers of the importance of self love.

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Barbara Havrilla

Aviva, So glad that you took the time to re-nourish yourself today! With your busy schedule, you need to take the time to do this more often. Barb :)

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Abigail

I woke up the very same way today as well.....so many of us Wombman are in synce, feeling over whelmed with all the STUFF on our plates and how to eat it and store it in a fridge that is already full! I am greatfull for so much in my life but I need to check myself before burning out from seizing opportunities that are plentyfull right now. I am up for your challenge and it helps having others joining in. I can't wait for ME time......Sun salutations 5 at least every morning, a shower every other day, and three times a week a bike ride to the end of the road and back. This may not sound like much to some but it is oh so much to me. I'm currently figuring out moving, just got married, honeymooned with a toddler, starting a new business while maintaining another. THANK YOU!

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sara chana

As a TYPE A, over-worked, over-stressed mom of 7 wonderful children I just loved the article. Wow, do I need a walk and a fire place. I'm inspired! Thanks for the thoughts.

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Sheila Eckel

Aviva, it is always wonderful to hear from a person such as yourself guiding us through a practice of healing with nature and the "living" world around... reminding us of what we are as human beings, we are alive with electricty and energy that is like no other entity the need to be nourished and replenished. I am well into my fifties and learned the hard way to slow down, adrenal exhaust ( a 21st century "syndrome" some say) was my lesson in knowing that the emails for my job would get answered, the phone calls returned , but only if I was healthy first! I now sit in my back yard and listen to all the different birds and watch their slow but diligent habits even if it is only for 10 minutes, enjoying all the bird songs...I am up for the challenge!

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Laura

Thank you for this post, it is truly God sent! I told my husband today that if I could enjoy a cup of coffee (without reheating it 4 times) without interruption I would be much happier. I need to practice leaving the guilt behind me and do something for myself. I will take your challenge, in fact I am going to put my son in bed and turn the TV off and make some tea and do some meditating. Good luck to all who are trying this, you deserve it! Enjoy.

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Susan

I kept asking myself today "where is the pause button?" I used to always wish for my super power to be able to pause life. For everyone else to stop so I can sit and take a breather. Now I have a ten month old who is going all the time and I found myself getting irritable today, just needing to find that pause button. Serendipity to find this email in my inbox today! Thank you! What got me back on track today was taking a long shower and then going for a walk while my baby napped in the Ergo.

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Erika siegel

Beautiful blog as usual. My first thought upon reading it is that if I could I would transport you to Breitenbush hot springs in Detroit Oregon (2 hours from Portland). It is a heavenly place to restore and heal. Perhaps one day you will make it there- I think it would give you exactly what you need. If you should happen to go there, perhaps the stars will align and I will be there as well (I go a few times a year for much-needed full body nourishment). Best to you and thanks for the inspiration you so generously share with the world. Sincerely , Erika Siegel ND, LAc

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Linda Ursin

I'm fitting it in after the others have gone to bed. I'm going to use it for art, journeying, DIY spa treatments and just relaxing. My irst obstacle is the enormous amount of work I have to do to rebuild my site, which often makes me end up on Facebook doing nothing. The way to overcome this is to turn the computer off. My second obstacle is my spoiled saboteur of a husband. That obstacle is a bit more unpredictable and harder to overcome.

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Deb McDonnell

Aviva, I'm so inspired by these suggestions. In particular, I'm going to adopt your suggestion to refrain from email and social media one day per week. My dependence on these outlets has crept up over the years. I sense that they may be an escape of some sort. Instead, I'll walk in Kew Gardens and engage in as much reflective activity as my day allows (between practicing herbal medicine!) Many, many thanks as ever, Deb McDonnell x

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Deb McDonnell

Aviva, I’m so inspired by these suggestions. In particular, I’m going to adopt your suggestion to refrain from email and social media one day per week. My dependence on these outlets has crept up over the years. I sense that they may be an escape of some sort. Instead, I’ll walk in Kew Gardens and engage in as much reflective activity as my day allows (between practicing herbal medicine!) Many, many thanks as ever, Deb McDonnell x

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valeria

Thank you for your tips. Self care is so important and needed to give care to others.

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Sharon

wow! Thanks for writing this, especially today! This is something I struggle with a lot. I feel like I'm busy from the time I get up until time for bed or i crash in the chair while watching something with my family. I think I keep moving because I have so much to do but sometimes feel like I haven't really accomplished anything besides keeping busy! I thought you were talking about me! I'm linking this to my blog for others to read!

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Maria Chowdhury

Aviva, I hope my box of Birth Song Botanicals arrives soon! It sounds like you would enjoy a few drops of the "Nurtured Mother" or "Children's Tranquility" tincture, along with a cup or two of "Comfor-Tea" and a nice long "Children's Healing Herb Bath" filled with fragrant lavender and thyme. This is my gift to you as a way fo saying, "thank you, for your human being and doing". It brings a smile to my heart knowing that you will enjoy drinking these herbal teas, taking long herbal baths and tasting the tinctures! Much gratitude, Maria

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aviva

Hi Lovelies, These are such moving and inspiring comments! I just want to rent an inn for all of use here in the Berkshires to do a retreat this weekend! I'm thinking hot tubs, wine or tea, massages, journaling time, and telling stories at the end of the day about our adventures in self-care (with special laughs about the saboteurs in our lives-- selves included!). In thinking through how to share the daily adventures of the challenge with each other, seems like facebook is the place to do it. So me up with me at http://www.facebook.com/AvivaRommMD I'll post with recipes for self-care, herbs for adrenal fatigue, and will share my own "haps and mishaps" over the next 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to hearing about yours, too! I am actually lucky to have 12 days with no kids at home so that should tell me whether I can really make myself a priority! Here's a great quote to start us off: "Radical self care: because you are too important to be at the bottom of the list!" <3 <3 <3 Aviva

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Jessica

Wow! Thank you for the reminder. It's amazing how things always come when they are most needed. To take time for myself, . . . sigh, . . . very much needed. I'm a mama of two, a 1 year old and a 3 1/2 year old. We moved recently and since not hooked up a TV. In the evenings, after my little ones got o sleep, I have cashed in my TV shows for a book. I haven't read a book all the way through since before my daughter was born. I sleep better and my brain is more functional! It's amazing how the little things really aren't that little. Thanks for the inspiration! I love your blog and your books!

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Jacquelyn

I love you! Thank you for reminding us that we are important and to make/take the time to honor ourselves! And lets dance!

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Kim

This is so very on time for me. I have struggled with this for so long now. I work a full time job with a nasty commute (about 3.5 hours door to door round trip), run a business on the side with a good friend of mine, and am a wife and a mama to two (soon to be three) kiddos. I walk around on too little sleep all the time stressing over all the things on my to-do list that I just never seem to get to. I feel guilty sometimes about the things I don't get done, but I'm so tired from everything I am doing that when I do catch a bit of free time, I end up vegging out in front of the tv or on social media and then feel like a lazy bum for not using that time to be more productive...sigh. So, needless to say, I really need to learn how to take better care of myself and to stop allowing the saboteurs (myself included) to keep guilting me into neglecting my needs. I'm in on this challenge and will be keeping up on FB, cuz I'll need constant motivation to keep it going. Thanks so much for this timely message!

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Lena DeGloma

Thanks for this, Aviva! What great timing, I woke up that way two days ago and was blaming it on the lack of sunlight since the time change, but I actually now think it's because I've been in "high performance, self-ignoring mode", as you so aptly put it! Thanks for the challenge... after all the massages I give all week, I realize I am way past due for receiving one myself!

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Tanya

Wow! I have been feeling the same way lately; can't even stand myself right now. :( I will be taking a small break also and implementing some of your suggestions. Thanks! :)

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Nicole

Dear Dr.Aviva I don't know if you remember me But you helped me bring a beautiful life into this world almost 11 years ago. My daughter Angelica. I am so grateful for you and happy to be back in touch. I pause every morning with a spiritual book and green tea.It starts my day with inspirition and energy. Much love Nicole Richards and

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Cindy Schlager

I will definitely except the 14 day challenge but I already have to figure out how to do it for I will be going to a health training next week. We will be driving 24 hours non-stop to get there. I will be got about a week. I will have to be creative. I want to make this work not just now but as part of my life!

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Meredith Hart

This is perfect timing...I was just talking with a woman friend about the importance of self-care just a few hours ago and how I have been really trying to focus on me-time the past few weeks. And.....IT FEELS SO GOOD. I've been able to really see myself and love myself in a deeper way, with a lot less judgement. It is hard when you have family and clients to support, but how can they really get benefit if I am coming from a depleted state? It's definitely about LIVING A LIFE OF EASE. And, letting go of getting everything done. It's okay if the laundry sits or the dishes aren't done...it's more important to nourish myself....

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Lissa Farrell

This is exactly what I needed this week, thank you. I am trying to focus on this in my life and you have given me some practical tools to get it done!! I super appreciate you.

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JoAnn M. Stark

Thank you for what you do. Take care of yourself, as you are a blessing. JoAnn

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Nancy

This is great! For me having farm animals forces me to get outside every morning, be out in nature, and appreciate the simple things. I just wrote a blog article about it :) It is so true that continually pushing is bad for us. I'm always afraid that if I stop I will lose my momentum, but when I 'refresh' I usually only lose momentum on things that weren't that important anyway.

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Marilyn

Just give yourself permission to slow down and enjoy the day is hard sometimes. Great advice about giving ourselves permission, that's the hard part. The rest is easy. Love this article. Thanks for writing it.

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Samantha

Loved this post! Just today I took a break from my computer work and danced my heart open for just a couple songs. It was my time to be with me. To dance with myself and undress my heart, set myself free. Such a great practice of which I will be committing to at least 5 more times in the next 2 weeks. With love, samantha

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Kathryn Hale

Keeping the sabbath has made a big difference in my overall well being. It's one day a week where I focus on rest, relaxation, worship and together time with loved ones. I will try to designate a cut of time for media in the evening also. Great ideas.

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Kaitlin Rheaume

Cheers! Cheers to this. This right here is not just the celebration of a “quitter” - BUT - most importantly, this is the celebration of a woman who is giving herself the space to step back and take a few moments to be... with a good friend of course (ok so maybe not quitting but certainly taking a pause). To take space be a mom, to be a wife, to be a friend, to be family and to most importantly be a Kaitlin - without being bound to the weight of also being a student. This decision was not made lightly, easily or without a huge giant meltdown. It is not one I feel I need to explain or rationalize, but since writing is a therapeutic outlet, I will likely still ramble it through. For the last 4 1/2 years I have defined myself by being in school; by being a student. I don’t know who I am without school. I pushed myself to finish my BSN and then jumped into graduate school in the midst of life chaos with three small children. Why? Because being a student is what I needed to be, to reach my next desired career (and honestly I know I will get to that place again, my desire is still there but the timing is not right)... this last year has rocked my world. My energy has shifted. My priorities are vastly different. My ebb is flowing and my flow is ebbing. People talk about moments of recognition and -WOW- I get complete chills when I think about mine (it’s also sort of funny but a whole other story in itself)... if you asked me Sunday morning—- there would not have even been any possibility or even an option to step back at this time, but Sunday night [I get chills thinking about this moment] there was no doubt that I needed to step back. I hit a point where the only reason I wasn’t stopping was because I was afraid of paying the student loans (one perk of being in school.. no payments to make)... but is that a good enough reason? No. Is that a good enough reason to spend all my free moments inside studying while my tiny people (who are growing at exponential rates) are off doing things with out me as I stare out the window like a sad puppy while they drive away? No. Is it a good enough reason to create disconnect from everyone I love? No. Could I have made it through school right now? I don’t know. I find myself thinking, am I looking for an easy out? No. I do not think so (nor does it matter if I was, but I have had to have this conversation with myself many times for my own mind) I have done a lot of really hard things before and I believe I would have opted out prior to this term, had I been looking for an out. Likely I could have done it right now, Yes, but maybe no... but who does that matter to? No one. and it would have been at the expense of my family (thank the heavens above for Steve because he has always been my rock) and my own well being. I always tell myself I can do anything for a certain amount of time as long as it is temporary and I know the end date. Right now my desire is not big enough and even without all of the other reasons or excuses, I am at total peace with my decision. Everything sort of fell into place as it should have. I feel lucky that I love being a nurse and making towels. I’m happy to do that, too. I often ponder why as humans, we stay so busy... we suffer when we don’t need to...we constantly move and seek more, but I also get it, we just do it because we want to, or we need to or it’s just what we know. I also recognize that we have the right to make decisions about things in life and one is where we put our energy. If something is not working, we have the power to change it. We get to step back, reevaluate and make the decision. Is it sometimes scary? Always. That’s because things that feel risky, often are risky, and by that virtue, they are scary. Feeling “scared” or overwhelmed or anxious is a very unique experience for each individual person and each individuals experience....I also know that great things come from risk. For me feeling scared to make the decision felt compounded by many things. I didn’t ever see it as an OPTION, until I did. I hit a point where I realized I didn’t care if it was an option or not, I needed to make it an option. I will revisit this in another year, or maybe not until all the kids are in school. Whatever is meant to be will unfold and I hold peace in that. Here’s what I have to say to all of you scared of change. Once I made the decision, I felt lighter. I dreaded it until it was done. It was quite possibly the hardest decision to make, with the most relief. So here I am. Celebrating quitting. Celebrating relearning who I am. Opening a business. Taking risks. Feeling scared. Redefining myself and what that means to me, and my family. This is me. Feeling fresh.

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